your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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