We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
