I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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