Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
