my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
