This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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