I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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