I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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