Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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