I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
