I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
