He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
