yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
