If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
