I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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