I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
