Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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