Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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