i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
