You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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