she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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