I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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