We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
