Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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