My friends, they love my intelligence
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
