VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
