I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's never too late to be topless.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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