Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
