every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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