We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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