Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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