ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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