"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
