Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
