if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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