Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
