She's JV to your varsity
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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