When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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