So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize