Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
