I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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