Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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