Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
