listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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