we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
