omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
two words: eviction party
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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