I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
