I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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