so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She even gives head with a lisp.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
