OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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