I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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