I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
