apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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