So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
