I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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