feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize