your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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