You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
