I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
