You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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