My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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