he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
