There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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