every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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